The last few months have been jam-packed: Full of tasks to be accomplished. Full of worry. Full of demands, deadlines and stress. My life has been so overloaded that oftentimes there has been little room for contemplation. Even when I have taken time to pray, my heart has often not been engaged. I know intellectually that God is always present with me; but at times it has been a challenge to experience it viscerally.
I know by now that I cannot will myself to feel God’s presence. It a pure gift when we experience the joy of Christ’s love in our lives, and sometimes that gift is not given. Sometimes, God lets us experience spiritual drought. There are times when we can do nothing but ache for God, knowing how far we fall short.
Blessed are those who mourn.
This longing for God is a gift in and of itself. I give thanks for the awareness of my need for God. It is God’s grace that allows me to recognize the heaviness of my life; to become aware of the burdens that I stubbornly carry, despite Jesus’ promise to lift them from me if I trust in him.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness.
The life of discipleship is not a simple linear progression towards inward peace and joy. As I take halting baby steps towards becoming more like Jesus, I share in some measure of his suffering. As I seek to live as a child of the light, I must bear the sight of my own darkness. Only by facing my own brokenness can I ever hope to be healed.
Sometimes, the Truth can seem like darkness. But I pray that God will continue to grant me the grace to see that the darkness I experience lies within my own heart. Christ’s light reveals it, if I am willing to see; and he will heal me, if I am ready.
Dear Lord, remind me daily of my need for you, and grant me the faith to receive the transformation your Light brings.